210+ (FUNNIEST) Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute Fact

Dwight Schrute, the office coordinator for Dunder Mifflin, is a tall man who is prone to fits of ludicrous anger and often expresses himself in malapropisms. Dwight is a business major graduate of Cornell University.

Dwight often takes great pride in his work, and at times may work himself to the point of exhaustion or concern his co-workers . He is an ambitious and sometimes over-zealous worker. He has been known to keep a crossbow in the office for “protection.”

Dwight is a hard worker and is frequently the first to arrive in the morning and the last to leave in the evening.

Dwight is a salesman, but occasionally becomes the office manager, receptionist, and well, the office’s resident know-it-all. Dwight is known for his clumsiness, ego and his love of animals.

Dwight Schrute is an extremely intelligent, honest, and hard-working man. He has been described as being sociable and compulsive which are both traits of an individual who wants to be the center of attention at all times.

Dwight is also very good-natured and is willing to do anything to please people, but is also a little sadistic. Dwight is not married and has no children, so is able to focus 100% on his job. He also has a lot of energy and does his work with efficiency and dispatch.

In many ways Dwight is a cartoon character who is a plot device to get the show’s more preposterous ideas into reality.

Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

“D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.”-Dwight Schrute

“We are at war. Peace is merely a pause between wars. It’s just a break for reloading; reloading our guns, reloading our minds, and preparing for the next battle.”-Dwight Schrute

“I’m not selling anything, ok? I’m not peddling any skin cream or slathering my body with balm.”-Dwight Schrute

“Seven days without sleep makes one weak.”-Dwight Schrute

“Everyone follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.” — Dwight Schrute

“Dwight Schrute: You will not find a more dedicated employee than me.

Jenna Fischer: And you won’t find a more dedicated employee then you.

Dwight Schrute: Thank you, ma’am, I simply let it all out every Friday night on the job.”- Dwight Schrute

“There is nothing wrong with being efficient in this business.” – Dwight Schrute

“Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.” —Dwight Schrute

“There is no question that this job requires passion and commitment. I demand that you invest these things in me.”—Dwight Schrute

“You can’t take hope lightly. Hope is not some pointless, virtuous feeling. Hope isn’t an aspiration of the lame or the slow. We are all born with something like hope, if only to survive another day and keep the family fed and sheltered from a world where nothing means anything.”—Dwight Schrute

“I don’t want him touching me, he’s already touched my mail.” — Dwight Schrute

“I am not an animal. I am a man.”—Dwight Schrute

“What is the one thing that you can’t live without? Work.”—Dwight Schrute

“There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.” — Dwight Schrute

“That is not a knife, this is a knife” — Dwight Schrute

“I would like to thank God for making me straight.”—Dwight Schrute

“Interesting people are the world’s greatest liars.” — Dwight Schrute

“Well, I say Germany won World War II!” — Dwight Schrute

“My phone does not have iAd.” — Dwight Schrute

“If you break it, you fix it, if you lose it, you find it. If you forget your phone, use your head.” — Dwight Schrute

“Oh my god I am three-quarters of a foot from the one thing that I want in my life.” — Dwight Schrute

“Number one rule in this office: someone is always lying.”—Dwight Schrute

“I don’t talk to people when I am not talking to them.” — Dwight Schrute

“I’m the salesman, and I’m always selling to somebody.” — Dwight Schrute

“I think that this guy cares more about a promotion than he does about his marriage, so I say we get him a promotion!” — Dwight Schrute

“The only thing that people do is they waste their time.” — Dwight Schrute

“The most important thing about living a good life is not so much where you’re planting the corn, or what kind of seeds you plant, or what kind of fertilizer you put on it. It’s more so knowing that in every moment, you have to be creating something with your life. That’s the thing that matters most.”—Dwight Schrute

“The only thing you should feel when shooting a non-vital body part, is the recoil of the weapon.” — Dwight Schrute

“Time is a concept; it doesn’t exist, we invented it to keep ourselves from going mad.” — Dwight Schrute

“Leadership is about taking responsibility for everyone’s mistakes but your own.” — Dwight Schrute

“Inconceivable.” — Dwight Schrute

“Dwight: This is not a joke, Michael. This is murder. A cold-blooded, premeditated murder… Michael: Yeah, well… I’m not saying that the guy doesn’t deserve to die… What I’m saying is that the state has to be sure it was murder before we kill him for it.”—Michael and Dwight about Stanley’s death

“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.” — Dwight Schrute

“I’m not going to lie, I thought about it.” — Dwight Schrute

“What? It’s not weird to talk about the death of someone you care about?” — Dwight Schrute

“I want another one! More food, more than anybody else!” — Dwight Schrute

“You can’t have desserts unless they die first.” — Dwight Schrute

“It’s ridiculous to me that a state would run an execution program when we have so much more at our disposal to deal with the problem.” — Dwight Schrute

“There’s a little bit of you that just wants to be on death row, and see what it would be like. And you could probably recite your whole life story down there.” — Dwight Schrute

“The important thing to remember Jim… we always have what is called the element of surprise.” – Dwight Schrute

“They have to kill a guy before they can execute him.” — Dwight Schrute

“You can’t rush love. But you can help your chances… by being smart about it.” — Karen Filippelli

“I pretty much live for these days now, there’s just so many of them.” — Karen Filippelli

“I used to be a guy that took losses hard. Now I’m a guy that takes losses really hard.” — Karen Filippelli

“Jim, love isn’t something you find or someone finds for you. It’s something that happens between two people who are willing to fight for each other.” — Karen Filippelli

“What Dwight said was 100% accurate!”—Karen and Jim: The Office

“‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’” — Dwight Schrute

“I based my entire career on being a master of the galaxy, and I am not about to apologize for it.” — Dwight Schrute

Funny Dwight Schrute Quotes

“I’m a manager… of people!” —Dwight Schrute

“Who’s gonna be my friend now? I wonder if the Easter Bunny is hiring.” —Dwight Schrute

“Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend.” —Dwight Schrute

“Run for it! Run!” —Dwight Schrute

“Fire is the ultimate improv tool.” —Dwight Schrute

“My dad and I were foraging through my closet for something, and he made me a hat out of an old Mad magazine. And he didn’t even…he didn’t have to do that.” —Dwight Schrute

“I love this mouse! I have named him Samuel.” —Dwight Schrute

“You’re not going anywhere, Michael Scott. Not out of this office, not anywhere. Not on my watch.” —Dwight Schrute

“I am a mantis. I am a locust. I am a grasshopper. I am a scorpion mosquito bee.” —Dwight Schrute

“You’ve got to expect to be misunderstood.” —Dwight Schrute

“Have you ever been confused in your life?” —Dwight Schrute

“You can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.” —Dwight Schrute

“I like the look of this one.” —Dwight Schrute

“Happiness is not seeing another trite Steptoe and Son reference. Happiness is not seeing another trite Steptoe and Son reference.” —Dwight Schrute

“Good news everyone!” —Dwight Schrute

“If I die in a horrible, fiery car crash, it’s not going to ruin my day.” —Dwight Schrute

“I’m a very complicated man… But you do not need to worry about that because I will never be your friend.” —Dwight Schrute

“I’m sorry. We’re all out of gum.” —Dwight Schrute

“Why are you so mean to me Michael?” —Dwight Schrute

“I have a surprising amount of compassion for Jim. After all, he’s had to work with me for so long.” —Dwight Schrute

“I would never do anything to embarrass you, Michael.” —Dwight Schrute

“You’re living in the past, Michael. The future has yet to be written. And it’s not always going to be easy or convenient for you to find me there either.” —Dwight Schrute

“What makes me so special?” —Dwight Schrute

“I am a powerful and dangerous being! I have claws! My name is Darth…” —Dwight Schrute

“I was a Girl Scout… then I found out what they did with cookies.” — Dwight Schrute

“A person’s real character is revealed in the way they respond to conflict. And conflict is all around us, so you must be prepared. And I am.” —Dwight Schrute

“I have to be honest, it’s been a pretty good day. Everyone just complimented my tie.” —Dwight Schrute

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m not a huge fan of the whole [Butterfly] thing.” —Dwight Schrute

“There’s something going on with my ear. It’s sort of itchy, but there’s nothing in it.” —Dwight Schrute

“Never wake me when I’m dreaming.” —Dwight Schrute

“I have a surprising amount of compassion for Jim. After all, he’s had to work with me for so long.” —Dwight Schrute

“I like the look of this one.” —Dwight Schrute

“Help wanted: local man makes good. Local man makes good. Local man makes good.” —Dwight Schrute

“This is beet cream cheese, Michael.”-Dwight Schrute

“There’s a lot of sadness in this room today, but I don’t see any paparazzi, so let’s get to work!” —Dwight Schrute

“I was raised by wolves.” —Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute Quotes Idiot

Dwight: “Well, I guess it’s almost time to finally get my hands on Michael Scott.” Jim: “But they’re afraid of you.” Dwight: “Who’s they?”. Jim: “Michael Scott and the rest of the staff.” Dwight: “I don’t understand that sentence.”

Dwight and Jim walk into a warehouse with a picture of Dwight in scrubs hanging up. Dwight is being wheeled into the warehouse while Jim looks at the picture. “What’s that?” Jim: “That’s the first picture of you with scrubs.”. Dwight: “This is my first picture with scrubs.”

Dwight: “I’m taking you down to the annual Dunder Mifflin Christmas Party.” Office Worker (pointing at Jim): “Who was that?”. Dwight: “That’s Jim. I just fired him in front of everyone. He’s useless.”

Dwight: [to Michael] I’m a genius.

“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.” —Dwight Schrute

Michael: [to receptionist] I don’t think that’s what she said, no.

Dwight: It shouldn’t be this easy to get a job, it really should not!

Dwight: If he doesn’t want to be here, he can just leave! That’s his choice! I’m okay with it; I can replace him!

“All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.” — Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute Quotes Beets

“I’ll bring the beet salad and the beet smoothie.”-Dwight Schrute

“I don’t like beets.” – Dwight Schrute

“Beets are not horseradish, Michael.” – Dwight Schrute

“No, I want to change something about this. That’s what makes me special.” – Dwight Schrute

“If I were king of the forest, this place would be different. Birds would flock to my whistle.” – Dwight Schrute

“This is beet cream cheese, Michael.”-Dwight Schrute

“I don’t have any pictures of beets in my wallet.”-Dwight Schrute

“There are beets and beets.” – Dwight Schrute

“I’ll bring the beet salad and the beet smoothie.” – Dwight Schrute

“Beet salad? Beet smoothie?” – Dwight Schrute

“You can’t take hope lightly. Hope is not some pointless, virtuous feeling. Hope isn’t an aspiration of the lame or the slow.” – Dwight Schrute

“All you need is love, False. The four basic human needs are air, water, food and shelter.” – Dwight Schrute

“I am not an animal. I am a man.”-Dwight Schrute

“Interesting people are the world’s greatest liars.”-Dwight Schrute

Dwight: “What am I? Am I talking to myself?” Michael: “No, you’re talking to the thermostat.” Dwight: “That’s what I thought I was doing.

Dwight Schrute Quotes Report Card

“I don’t respect you as a man!” — Dwight about Michael

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” —Dwight Schrute

“Things are only impossible until they’re not.”—Dwight Schrute

“Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.” —Dwight Schrute

“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love somebody else.” —Dwight Schrute

“Sometimes I wonder if I am a good person or a bad person. Then I remember, it’s not up to me to decide.” —Dwight Schrute

“I believe that anything worth knowing is worth knowing twice.” — Dwight Schrute

“I may be an accountant, but I speak like a sultan.” —Dwight Schrute

“There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.” —Dwight Schrute

“That is not a knife, this is a knife!”—Dwight Schrute

“I would like to thank God for making me straight. I would also like to thank Him for making me bald.” – Dwight Schrute

“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That is your choice.” – Dwight Schrute

“I’m not sure that I believe in a higher power. If there is one, it has yet to introduce itself to me.” —Dwight Schrute

“Grief is the price we pay for love. But it is a dear price.” — Dwight Schrute

Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute Quotes

“Yes, I am a man of many quotes.”—Michael Scott

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. That’s why he became known as the Prince of Lies.” —Dwight Schrute

“Nothing good has ever come from a meeting.” —Michael Scott

“I just love to watch Michael get flustered.” —Dwight Schrute

“I really, I really, I really want to stop you right now and say you should be careful what you wish for… but I can’t.” —Dwight Schrute

“You have already put your foot in it!”-Dwight Schrute

“Now, I know I’m not the most logical person, but I don’t think that’s any reason to go around burning yourself.” —Dwight Schrute

“Ever since our debate I have been experiencing this unsettling… feeling… Squirming.” —Dwight Schrute

“I know you’re a very good driver, Michael. You don’t have to rub it in my face. ‘I’m so good at driving!'”—Dwight Schrute

“I’m not a hero. I’m just a man with a very good shovel.” —Dwight Schrute

“I am the best at telling people what to do and making sure they don’t do it.” —Dwight Schrute

“You know, Michael, when you say stupid things, people think you’re stupid.” —Dwight Schrute

“Here’s my new favorite saying: When in doubt… duck.” —Dwight Schrute

“Duck!” —Dwight Schrute

“Yes, everybody is different, and that’s okay.” —Michael Scott

“Remember when I asked for a raise?” —Dwight Schrute

“I don’t want to talk about it.”—Michael Scott

“When you play with a juggler, you don’t always know when the tricks are going to be over. And that is when the fun begins.” —Dwight Schrute

“You know what? I’m going to take them apart and put them back together again. That’s what babies do when they learn how to walk.” —Dwight Schrute

“I’ m not a very good listener, I’m a good talker who listens.